Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
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No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.