@Quartzjixler: I was late so I shoved a whole taco into my mouth. It was a sight to behold based on the facial expression of the lady in the adjacent car.
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@ChaseMit: My girlfriend's car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
@Shock_Monster: Him: Sir, you don't have the experience or fitness to be a fireman. Me: But, I got a mustache! Him: That's cat fur attached with frosting.