I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
You Might Also Like
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Who says great literature is dead?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*