excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.