I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
You Might Also Like
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Meme Monday.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.