@_NinJar: I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
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@Gooooats: Me on the Phone: I'm going to "work" from home today. My Boss: I heard those air quotes.
@Token_Geezer: Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
@LazyChank: Explained to my client that he shouldn't put "urgent" in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as "urgent urgent".