Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
You Might Also Like
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
This line from Airplane.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!