Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
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Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
You got this…
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My background check bounced.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.