I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
You Might Also Like
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.