I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.