@Brampersandon_: I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
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@crylenol: VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You'll like it. Much better than last year. GIRL: It isn't another ear is it, Vince? VAN GOGH: what
@mrsmith196645: 911: What is your emergency. M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she's smiling. Please hurry.
@FadeAway2: Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who's getting cut from the team
@DRUNKHULK: THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!