I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
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“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Just me and my debit card against the world