I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
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Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem