I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?