I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
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*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
A small tragedy.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I have obtained a hat
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.