I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
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coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
How it started: How it’s going:
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay