I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
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There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.