Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.