I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
If a snake ate a cake
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed