I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
A friend helps you before you need it
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no