I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
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cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Today’s Times
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Oh we’ve met.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher