I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
You Might Also Like
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
just left a huge legacy in there
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Wednesday
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.