“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
You Might Also Like
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.