[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Name this drama.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Chicken bread
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites