wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
How do horror writers compete with current events?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…