“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
You Might Also Like
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Shoo shoo! 😂
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok