I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Great Canadian literature.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON