I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.