@shopkins776: I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn't know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
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@joshbupkes: that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they're all wearing the same thing again
@PeachCoffin: My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one's ever going to visit her again
@NicestHippo: [doing standup] So I live in Kansas— [hysterical laughter] That…that wasn't the joke
@Steelers1972: A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.