I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
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BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
moms in horror movies
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.