@FreudsTwin: I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?
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@KeetPotato: [wife putting groceries away] "where's the bread?" i got mugged "specifically for bread?" [cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed] yes
@jakob_huber: Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond Bond: You don't remember my 1st name do you Villain: Sure I do. It's uh.. Bond: C'mon this is our 3rd fight
@UnrealRogue: [Exchanging gifts at family's house] *family opens up my gifts -uh, a history book? Your Facebook post suggested that you needed it.