Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
That’s not how days work.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion