Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
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Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
If you are reading this then you are reading this
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT