I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
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Rambo Rambow
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Important
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.