I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
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satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Did I do this right
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
The 6 types of sex
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.