I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding