I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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Battery falling down a hole
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa