“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
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If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.