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@Home_Halfway: "I wasn't born yesterday" - Lying newborn baby
@jess_stratton: Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
@CourtneyBale: Friend: How's the wine?
Me: It's exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
@iwearaonesie: How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M's!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?
- me watching my kids Christmas pageant
@jake_lach: If you don't boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?
@3sunzzz: My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it's too forward.