Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
remember
only for emergencies
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
my name if I was in the mob
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…