I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
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my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs