I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
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[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
me when the borders lift
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.