I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
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me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.