The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?