Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
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Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Breaking news:
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*