I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
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“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Me too 😆
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo