When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
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BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.