NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
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Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.