I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
You Might Also Like
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*