I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!