I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
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Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?