I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
You Might Also Like
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.