I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
im all 3
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…