I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
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Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Ken is short for chicken
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming