I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
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Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
#oldknees
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.