Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
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Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Monday
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Lmao 🤣
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
choose your fighter
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.