I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.